Idiocy

Do you ever have those moments in your life where you wonder how the fuck you've survived this long?

That your brain fails you so spectacularly that you consider whether it's even worth carrying on?

I was once doing a crossword at work - can you see why I'm getting into stand-up? Not very professional!

So I was doing this crossword with my old lab manager, avoiding the pain that is real work, and we come across a clue, which, in hindsight, is fucking simple. But for some reason - maybe it was the constant monotony of a job in industry where every day is like being butt-fucked by your superiors while they dance a jig and flash in front of your jizz-soaked face the big wodge of money they've just earnt while covering you in their ectoplasm.

Whatever it was, the clue was as follows. "Christmas fare." Yeah, f.a.r.e. as in a bus fare, or food, like "lovely home-cooked fare"...5 comma 3

Yeah, I can hear the whirrings in your heads and the mutterings under your breath. It's not that hard a crossword clue, and we had letters! We had blank-I-blank-C-blank, then the second word, blank-I-blank. So, we're not complete idiots. We worked out that the second word was pie. Oh yeah...two engineers, we're no morons. Or so we thought.

We're both staring at this fucking clue...brains empty...nothing coming whatsoever...this is the easiest fucking answer in the world! We're asking each other "what sort of pie do you have at Christmas???"

Ok so now I'll turn it over to you...what sort of pie, a word that is spelt something-i-something-c-something...do you have at Christmas time? Exactly. Fucking mince pies. Not that hard. Except if you're a fucking moron. Like me.

I turn to Steve and I say to him...nothing else in my head..."I know this is wrong, but all I can see is Bitch Pie"

FUCKING BITCH PIE????!! Where did that shit come from? What sort of dick can't think of the word 'mince'??

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even still here....