Hmmm

The question is, where to go from here?



I'm not entirely sure myself. I'd hardly call myself seasoned at this. Or even lightly spiced. I'm just a man(boy) rambling away his thoughts and stories, hoping to come up with something hilAAAArious. Yeah, it's surely only a few flicks of my fingertips away.



Well Chris suggested I talk a little more about being fat. I guess there's humour in that. Though when you are bigger, you do tend to fall a little more on the sympathetic side of the fence.



That being said, I have become quite adept at ripping the piss out of myself purely because when you're at school getting called named and having jokes made about you, it always hurts less if you're the person to make the joke. Even if you did just call yourself a tubby funster.



Ok, so yeah, I used to be big. Like proper American-style fat. It's easy to do, trust me.

Step 1: Eat what you want, when you want.

Step 2: Repeat.

Job done.



So I looked distinctly different than the man I have grown into (out of?), the handsome buck that stands before you now (yeah I know you're reading this but I'll hypothetically be performing it on stage so bear with me, you cynical bitch). I had a shaved head - yes I'm aware that it's only a matter of time before that becomes the case again.



Do you have any idea how annoying it is to shave your head for around eight years, then grow it again only to find out that you're losing it?

That's like having a really nice cake and keeping it hidden for a special occasion and then when that occasion finally comes...you're bald and no-one wants your cake, you weirdo.



So aside from the lack of hair, I also had an eyebrow piercing. Because as I say this to you now, I know you were thinking 'my my, that boy is terribly gangster. I'm surprised he doesn't have piercings and some fly ink.'



As you can imagine, picturing me as you are, bloated, pierced, bald and with quite the rack on me, you know...you just know...I did well with the ladies. Oh yeah. Form a queue girls, keep calm. There's more than enough to go around.


So in my teens I predominantly met girls online. Well, not many, a few. But I did meet my first - and only real - girlfriend that way. On AOL of all things....oh yeah. It's a good job we didn't get married because telling the grandkids that story would have gone down like a lead balloon.

But it's a good way to meet people. You grow to like them as a person before you judge the physical side. Which is great, particularly as a bald, bloated virgin. But of course there is a downside. I was fairly lucky with my ex. She wasn't incredibly hot, but she did it for me...at least before our relationship became stale and she went from a size 10 to a 16. Chicken nuggets and chips followed by Ben & Jerrys and no sex = chubsters. Teach the kids that maths in school. If you're gonna eat junk food, at the very least get yourself laid to work off some calories.

But you can fall foul of the exact situation that gives you an advantage online. Now I consider myself a modern, intelligent, thoughtful and caring man who absolutely puts personality above looks in a potential partner. I will avoid really hot vacuous girls because they just don't do it for me (I might cut this out of any real gig in case there's a really hot, vacuous girl in the audience just looking to sleep with me...you understand).

But you occasionally end up going on a date with a proper heffer. Or a scary weirdo, the sort that's got the real crazy eyes. She looks like she might tie you up in her bedroom, and not in the fun way. More in the way that she'll only feed you a biscuit once every 12 hours and force you to watch The World At War while reciting her family tree as she attempts to breathe life into your understandably flaccid member by hitting it with a kipper. Beware online girls...just think, if you were really really hot and awesome, would you really hunt online for someone instead of going outside? Exactly.