"He must be a model working undercover like in Zoolander or something."
"Or at least should be so busy having sex with beautiful women all day."
But no, I know it's hard to believe, but it turns out I'm not constantly having sex with goddesses because I'm a twat.
Shocking, I know. But it's true. I don't get women. Well, let me clarify. I never KEEP women. I can get them interested in me. I mean there's a reason I'm in stand-up, I love to talk. Promblem is, this gets me in all sorts of trouble with women.
Women don't want the guy that constantly doubts himself, yet that's been an intrinsic part of my life for as long as I can remember. Girls want the debonair guy who barely says anything - except with his eyes.
The guy who doesn't let on whether he likes her, even when fucking her brains out. He just thrusts nonchalantly while planning who he's next going to fuck, or writing a song.
Yeah the whole band-boy thing. Fucking irritating. Just because some lad strums out an ear-destroying din while crying about how his parents didn't buy him enough puppies or take him on as many skiing trips as he wanted as a child. every girl in the place wants to suck his dick.
I'm smart! I'm funny (hopefully). I'm kind, sensitive, confident and well-hung. Oh yeah. And I get NOTHING!!
I get two, three dates at most. Occasionally a one-night stand before they realise what a knobhead I really am. Then it's always "yeah, I've been thinking actually I'm just not ready for a relationship right now..."
or "I don't like what you did with my ass"
or "Hitting on my sister was the final straw"
I mean REALLY?! Come on. I'm a catch!
I mean what do you have to do to please these people?
Maybe I'm shit in bed. That's occurred to me. I mean I don't think I'm terrible, but I'm relatively inexperienced for my age. I had a long-term girlfriend who didn't want to have sex with me much. Which is always an indication that you're a stallion between the sheets.
Actually, there's at least one reason for that - we lost our virginities to each other so it was all a bit awkward and clumsy, but then, just as we were getting into it, on the night when she instigated sex for pretty much the first time, our second time of that day, i was ecstatic, blood was coursing around my body, she was on top of me, riding away, starting to get comfortable with the sexyness...
and i decide in my infinite teenage wisdom that i'll tell her that she has "the best pussy in the world". Yeah, it sounds shit. I know this...NOW.
And unfortunately for me, she decided not to ignore this statement, and, while gently bouncing up and down on me, asked me how I knew this to be true. A reasonable question, you have to say. She knows me pretty well and suspects that I haven't done the requisite research to corroborate this statement.
So I, being me and havign a brain that constantly fucks me over, have a bunch of responses flash through my mind. I think the reasonable but very cheesy "well it must be, it feels so amazing!"
But despite the fact that would have got me out of the conversation and back to thrusting, I didn't say that. Oh how I wish I had. I took a second, looked at her, and, with all the blood in my body nowhere near my brain, responded by lifting my hand up to by my face and saying..."well, better than this!"
Yeah, I wonder why she never wanted to fuck me after that...
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