Hunt for Henry

Yeah ok sorry about the delay with the latest post. I can almost hear your breath being baited from here. By some sort of respiratory fisherman, with maggots of anticipation. Well, I don't have internet at home any more and I've been a bit busy in work. I do only mean a bit, but for some reason I've still avoided talking to you all. Maybe it's because I have to do all the work - seriously, put your back into it, people! I just rant and rant and...nothing! You're all crap friends...

So what's been happening? The new house is now coming together really nicely. I have a fully working bed, which is always a lovely novelty, and the little details are being hammered out. You know, once we get a hoover. We're three lads, do you really think the urge to hoover is so great that we will rush out of the house and immediately begin a Worcester-wide Hunt for Henry? No. We sit down and have a beer. Because that's what men do. Or so I've deduced from watching Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl.

Actually TV is the most fun part of my life right now, and that's not sad STOP SAYING IT'S SAD! mainly because of one show that if you know me, you'll know I'm becoming more and more obsessed with week by week. The genius that is...Breaking Motherfucking Bad. Motherfucker. Seriously, it's almost painfully good. If any of you reading this have not seen it, just sort it out, and I do mean before you read the rest of this post. But then come back, 'cos else I'll be all lonely. And lonely Dan doesn't post funny blogs. He posts blogs about how girls hurt him and all that jazz. God, that guy is annoying.

Along with BB, there are some other TV points I'd like to address. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but to be honest, if I am it is not without good reason. The Newsroom, first of all. Or as I like to think of it, NEW WEST WING! But, like, sort of, not anything to do with the White House. It's smart, funny, dramatic, at times both weighty and light, and because it's written by Modern Day Shakespeare himself (copyright pending) Aaron Sorkin, the dialogue is so packed with genius that an hour-long episode contains enough zingers to make a tower of Tower Burgers.

Community is coming back and I'm getting more excited by it by the day - any fans of the show should check out this awesome Q&A thing on Reddit (yeah I don't know what it is either but I'm 28 now so give me five years and I'll catch up - just as the kids move on) that creator Dan Harmon did. He's recently been fired as the showrunner, which results in some interesting questions and, more surprisingly, honest, open answers from the big beard god of American sitcoms. Here's the link: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/yne9x/i_am_dan_harmon_creator_of_community_writer_of/

Oh yeah watch Workaholics. It's fucking funny. That's all I'll say on that one for now, but seriously, fucking funny people. Enjoy.

What else have I been watching? Well, I've actually got back into wrestling. At the age of 28. Cos I realised that the geeky stuff I was watching before wasn't getting me chicks and I had to remedy the situation. Consider it done. They're flocking now, attempting to break down the door of the house, in what can only be described as Beatlemania-esque behaviour. But I am enjoying it - it's by turns brilliant (CM Punk and everything he does) and hilarious thanks to sub-Hollyoaks levels of dialogue and acting. In fact, merge those two programmes together and you might improve them both. I'd quite like to see the cast of Hollyoaks battered and beaten, even in a fake way. If any of you want to know why I like wrestling, there's one match I can point you to. No Mercy, 1999. Edge and Christian Vs The Hardy Boyz in a tag team ladder match. Thanks to the magic of the internet, you can watch it right now, so, you know, do that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiYFALkiZB8

Aside from TV, my Scott Pilgrim obsession doesn't appear to be dwindling. I'm desperate for my Sex Bob-omb tattoo and I've just got hold of the new hardback colour edition of the first book, which is just lovely. Really lovely. I've not started reading it yet because it just looks so damn pretty that touching it with my dirty paws just seems like it would sully the loveliness.

I should probably have an angry rant, right? Any of the long-time readers of this (hey there, my family!) will probably attest that I'm funniest when angry. So what is there? Well my boss is annoying me. He has this awesome way with words, that just fills you with a sense of glee and achievement that can't help but motivate you to succeed on a daily basis. You know I mentioned all that hard work I'd done on my lab? Making it function and look great, sweating and straining and drilling and 'illin' (alright so I couldn't think of something else and wanted just for a minute to pretend I was a rapper ok?!). Yeah well my boss comes back from holiday, inspects my handiwork, and mentions to one of my colleagues "almost looks professional, doesn't it?". GOD DAMMIT! Why add the extra word? He has this uncanny knack of taking a nice sentiment and adding just enough moronic lack of empathy to take it over to just being a little bit insulting. Just what you want in a manager.

Random thoughts this week:

• Summerslam was fun
• Holding my laptop over my head on the balcony to get wi-fi reception from the pub just to download Summerslam...not so much
• People at work don't get my sense of humour. Either that or I'm not that funny. So definitely the first one. Shut up.
• I still think it's better to make a bad joke than not make a joke at all
• I'd quite like Alison Pill to be my wife
• I don't like having to carry an umbrella AND sunglasses to work because Mother Nature seems to be going through the menopause and is having mood swings
• I am actually messy. It's been confirmed. Oh well
• I want to get into playing my bass...so I can become Scott Pilgrim and find my Ramona. Not sure Andy is up to being Wallace Wells though, which kinda sucks.

I think that's enough for right now, because to be honest, not a huge amount has been happening to me of late so to continue would probably just leave you wanting to claw your own eyes out of your heads in boredom. That's probably not what would actually happen though is it? I mean that's an extreme way to avoid a blog. You'd probably just stop reading it, go back on Facebook and look at pictures of kittens cuddling tortoises, or whatever shit meme you think makes you quirky and unique.

I'll save the Facebollocks talk for next time. Feedback is always appreciated - just a 'like' makes me feel like this whole time sat on my own siphoning my brain into yours has been worthwhile. If you made it this far without kittens, I salute and thank you.

"...but I like being lazy!"

Alright let's do this...

So this week has been interesting, so say the least. Last weekend was meant to be a cleaning/tidying/whatever around the new house, carpet cleaning and all that jazz. Instead, Steve's initial plan for "a quick pint at the King's Head" (our new local) quickly deteriorated into lots of pints, far too much money, and a bitch of a hangover on Saturday. Hence, no cleaning. It's ok though right, you've still got Sunday. Yeah there's me waiting in on Saturday night after Steve calls and says he'll pick me up on his way back from go-karting to go and watch The Raid over his. Sound, that'll be a nice chilled night, leaving us fully energised for tomorrow. Nope. I got a call at 3am saying he was drunk and not even home yet, and another at 9 to tell me he was on his way home. Well I wasn't about to do it all on my own, so I stayed in bed most of Sunday and watched Curb Your Enthusiasm. Much better.

Then Monday happened. Oh, Monday, you little bitch of a day, you. It's hard enough already, us working folks will testify, to deal with work on a Monday morning, let alone a text argument. I received a shitty text at like 11am from my flatmate, followed by a shittier one after my brief reply. All about washing up. I'm not gonna berate him by blog - that's cowardly and I'm not a fully innocent part in this, I'm generally a fairly useless person - but I just couldn't handle it anymore. With all the anal cleanliness (I hope you know I'm talking about someone being anal ABOUT cleanliness, not that he had very stringent rules on how clean bumholes should be - well ok I've never asked him but that never came up during the living arrangement), the generally not clicking socially, missing all my friends, still not feeling like I had a home, and having to shell out 800 fucking quid on rent and deposits this month, it was just too much for me.

So Dave at work (legend) drove me over to the flat, I packed up all my stuff, dumped it in the back of his car and drove it over to the new place, all within Monday's work lunch hour. Maybe over the top, but I just couldn't stay there anymore. I was honestly on the verge of tears just through being overwhelmed with shit. So...long story short, I now live at the new place. With no bed lol. Well ok the bed is coming, I have been assured despite being banned from my former residence, and after this weekend everything should be gravy.

Parallel to all this, I've torn my lab asunder. That is, I've split it between two rooms, one down the hall from where I've been. Which is great - I've had less than too little room for the last four months - but it was a grand ol' effort getting it in. It gave me a chance to be a man though, and I'm always grateful for that. Honestly, you've never seen someone so secretly chuffed that a tyre has punctured than me cos I know I'll be telling people the tale of my oily hands and being gruff and full of testosterone at the roadside.

So basically I spent Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday at work hauling cabinets and workbenches and shit around, drilling holes in walls etc, and Monday onwards after work doing basically the same shit at home. I was exhausted. Seriously though, I lost so much water weight on Monday through sweating that I looked FIT by bedtime :P

It's been fucking knackering, but it will be worth it, now that some painting has been done, holes in the walls filled, carpets cleaned and crap thrown away. Mostly by us, even though we're paying rent every ruddy month. Grr, old ladies can be so lazy, can't they?! PLUS - no internet for FOUR TO SIX WEEKS! God damn! How am I gonna survive that? I'll tell you how - I'm gonna walk to the end of the balcony with my laptop and steal wifi from the pub we overlook. That's what I'm gonna do. Even if it's shit. I still win!

I realise this hasn't been hilarious, but it's caught you all up on my busy week and hopefully explains why I'm too mentally and physically exhausted to be able to manufacture jokes in the factory of funny that is my brain. You'll live with it. Because you don't have a choice - if you're reading this bit, you've already suffered through the crap and I win again! haha! Sucker :P

I'll think of something funny to chat about soon, and I'll try to get some photos of the new place up when it's shiny and lovely :)

Shenanigans

So, it's Monday morning, the sun has gone, replaced instantly with its wet, grey, moody bastard of a cousin. That's definitely the shortest summer I remember. When I was a kid, summer never had a drop of rain and lasted for at least 9 months of the year. Nowadays we're lucky if we get a week without a downpour. I keep having to take an umbrella and sunglasses to work - that's not normal. I don't like it. At one point, I was using both at once on a walk home. It nearly melted my brain.

So what happened over the weekend? Good question. Friday was probably the last barbecue of this short summer, but was thoroughly lovely. Except I was still in a bit of a mood at myself because whilst buying said BBQ paraphernalia at Asda, using one of those self-serve little fuckers, I managed to leave £20 cashback sticking out of it and just walk away, making the meat considerably more expensive. Woops. The worst bit of that was that I saw someone in front of me do the exact same thing and it didn't affect anything. I still left it there. I think it was karma, because I was fully prepared to take that girl's tenner. I wanted it. But then she came back, and I left my money as comeuppance for being a money-grabbing bastard. The best bit was explaining it to Steve, and my subsequent realisation. I'll act it out for you, you know, textually:

"I nearly got a free tenner just then"
"Oh right nice how?"
"This girl in front of me left her cashback but then came back just as I was about to take it and OH FUCK I DID IT MYSELF AND LEFT TWENTY!"

Yeah. I'm a dickhead. Oh well :)

That opening ceremony malarkey was alright really, wasn't it? Quite impressive actually. All the talk of real fields, real sheep and a story being told just sounded like hot air mixed with bullshit - a hellish concoction - but actually, that Boyle lad did it again. No, not Frankie. I think the bit with The Queen might have been a little different had Frankie Boyle been allowed free reign over the ceremony.

My favourite bit had to be the Industrial Revolution section - that was class. The towers, then the casting of the Olympic rings and their ascent into the air before raining down a golden shower upon those below. Ahem. Well that's what it was! It was a shower, and it was gold, right? So stop complaining. That was in your head! Dirty, dirty reader...

Moving on...and Saturday morning means chimnea shopping, as is customary. We in Britain ritualistically get up early every Saturday morning and go shopping for chimneas or chimnea supplies. It's just the way we were raised. Yeah Steve wanted to get one for his mum and had heard about a place that did just lovely ones. They did not. They did shit ones. We left. But not before I'd bought myself some devil bangers and rizla.

A pub lunch later and we're on our way to Big Bad Brum to watch The Dark Knight Rises on their "Giant Screen" - basically an IMAX. That was rather lovely. I'll tell you what, that screen isn't small. I won't go into the film's specifics, though I would like to, because, you know, spoilers! Maybe I'll dedicate another post to it later in the week. We'll see how bored I get. For now I'll leave it at "it's really good".

Saturday night was then to be spent drinking with the guys that accompanied us to the cinema, plus a few of their friends. This was fine, except I didn't really know anybody and they were all talking about shared memories and people they all knew etc. So I just sort of stood. Yeah, like a boss. It was fine, but you know that situation is just horrible when you're in it, though you don't blame anyone. And I wasn't really feeling the night anyway, then being outskirted (yep, just made that up and it rocks) just makes you worse, and I was all quiet and sulky for most of the evening.

It wasn't too bad though, the lads were nice, and when we had moments we could share, it was great. I told them my HILARIOUS story about being groped by a man, and they laughed, but the funniest moment of the night came when Steve bought us all sambucas and, upon knocking his back, just instantly threw it back up again, including his previous pint. It was just nonchalant though, it didn't knock him off his stride. He hadn't felt sick before, or after, or even during, really. It just hit his stomach, the stomach said no, and it came back. On the floor, in the beer garden of Heroes. Classy, real classy. Funny as fuck though, especially when he realised nobody has noticed, so just sachéd to the other side of the table and continued his evening.

Ermmmmm so Sunday was spent in bed, mostly. Then in the pub. Because that's a healthy way to live. It was all Steve's fault, obviously. But six pints each and no food since the day before meant that the little skinny man couldn't handle any more and went home to go to bed. At 7pm. Yeah, we're suave! It was a nice day in the sunshine with a few beers though, and I ended it with a fucking moosive chips and cheese with mayo, which made my waistline cry but I'm pretty sure my tongue had an orgasm.

I think thay might sum up the weekend - I'll have a think and see what else I may have missed for next time. If anyone wants to suggest anything they'd like to read me rant about, get in touch. Otherwise, I'll speak to you soon, so you can go away now. Go, live your life. Don't let me hold you back. You're capable of great things. Let yourself be open to them! And other nonsensical motivational-poster bullshit. Bye!

Ah crap I forgot to add a title!

Alright so I'm in work again. Doing nothing. Well ok not nothing, I'm in Facebook, texting, reading about Spurs, now writing this and contemplating whether or not I want some cereal. I do. But I shall be good.

This may all be a bit soon for another post, especially give that the last one contained very little actual information, or anything that one could point to and say "that made my life better, that did". Though I feel that if you talk like that, maybe it's not so hard to make your life better. Just point that person towards an ice cream van and a copy of The Sun and they'll have a great summer.

The sun's quite nice isn't it? And on the flipside, it's far too fucking hot isn't it? As a big lad anyway that is carrying a few extra pounds (of sweets in his pockets), I swear to a deity I don't believe in that I'm actually melting. Ok maybe I should swear to someone/thing that I actually hold in some regard. Ermmm. Ok next time I exclaim my disapproval at the heat I shall say "Breaking Bad, it's hot!" That works. Walter White is a god, in a way.

I had a hectic weekend planned, but unfortunately tonight has had to be cancelled. No trip to Dudley for me. Devastating. But tomorrow is Dark Knight Rises, followed by getting wankered. then Sunday I've got visitors from Southern Lands, which will be novel. I can giggle at how the coastal people live and talk, and maybe poke them with sticks a bit.

I'm trying to think of what I can actually do today. I'm waiting for electricians to finish, so I can move stuff into my new room, which then leads to rearranging the old room and getting the lab into some sort of fighting shape. But in the meantime, I may as well just sit about and type, right? Seems only fair to be getting paid for.

I'm worried that I started this without a point, and thus it's just deteriorated into me talking nonsense about nothing. But then if you're reading this, you know me, and know that this is exactly how I am in person anyway, so it's all good.

I'm not going to go on about how I'm not respected or listened to in my new job, or how they don't treat it like my lab at all and leave me feeling like a button-mashing monkey man, cos I have hours left here today and I can't be bothered to get into a mood about it. Needless to say, it's fine. I get paid enough to ignore it. And drink a lot. That always helps.

Right this is really falling to bits, so I'll get out of your way. Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy birthday, that was nice. Gotta love how Facebook makes you feel super-popular and well remembered on your birthday, when really they get something saying "Hey, remember this guy you went to school with and never spoke to then and never speak to now but inexplicably you still added as a facebook friend just to see what they look like now? Yeah well it's their birthday, so feel the guilt and send a message, you horrible person." And I get a lovely message :) Brilliant system.

Oh and one final point, to all you ladies out there that have been enjoying Fifty Shades of Grey, I'd be interested to know what you think of these short stories I wrote years ago. They're filthy, by the way. Before any of my family click on the bloody link. Yeah please don't. But yeah I've been told they're good, and if there's that much bloody cash in bonkbusters I might have to change career! They're at http://danssexystories.blogspot.com :)

Much love,
Big Danny Boomtown

Oh so summer starts NOW does it? My mistake...

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New Life Version...what are we on now? Four?

Hey peeps.

I am currently sat at my new desk and I thought it was probably about time that I wrote something to let everyone know that I'm not dead. I hope those of you I haven't responded to yet aren't upset. Family shit + new job - you understand.

Anyway, back to me, as is the want of this particular writer. I am now in the great city of Worcester! (it's here by the way http://bit.ly/HgNCQu - I didn't know either). It's quite nice actually. I'm in a nice, white, open office with high ceilings and about nine other people. Really small company. Oh yeah and I have a lab. It's all mine! (cue lightning strike) bwahahahaha. I'm still in the process of getting the hang of it but I'm sure I will. I've reorganised things a bit so far, moved some machines around, made it make a bit more sense. I think I've done alright for week one.

And I'm living in a hotel in the centre of town, which is pretty swanky. Less than a minute to the bar from bed. I can live with that for a while. Though it is of course lonely, so I have been online and on the phone quite a bit. And I bought a couple of games to play, which is always lovely. The problem I keep finding, however, is that I'm not simply satisfied with a game being all I do. I know that's silly - I grew up just playing games, but somewhere along the way, in my teens, I found that I liked the TV on as well. I like watching(ish) and listening to a TV whilst I labour between checkpoints. But that doesn't work with 'proper' games with story. It's fine with FIFA - I've got that mastered - but LA Noire last night kept interrupting my viewing of Wrestlemania, and that's just not on. Nobody puts Rocky in the corner.

I don't really want this to become a really long piece about the minutiae of my life here - it's much more fun if I tell you all individually, that way I can improve my telling of it and add jokes until when I tell the very last person, they'll be in stitches.

Needless to say, there is a girl amongst those nine other office dwellers and she is not unattractive. This is god news. She seems nice too. I don't know anything about her personal life yet, this being Day 4, aside from the fact that she lives in Birmingham and has housemates. But I also know that she has pretty green eyes, and that's all I really need to know. Any more than that might put me off. I don't want to know that she has a boyfriend and six cats and enjoys hiking up hills and pogoing back down. Scratch that. The last one - if that's true, I want to know. That's pretty epic.

Leave me a comment on here or Facebook cos they make me smile. There's a good reader :)

Love you all. Now fuck off.
The Dan