The First Flirty Smile

So this was a workshop exercise from my 'how-to' book that I did while outbound calling at that hell hole :)

Isn't it lovely before it all goes hideously wrong with a new partner? The calm before the restraining order, I call it.

I think we should be more bureaucratic about it - like you officially register your interest in someone via email. Sod the romance, this is the technology age!

Surely there's an App for that. Integrate it into Facebook, whatever, I don't give a shit just get it done!

That was you just point your camera at somebody or enter their name and then you tick a box to say what you want from them. These range from Possible Spouse all the way through to One Five-Minute-Behind-The-Bins Stand.

Or there are the more obscure options:

I just want to follow you home

Let me lick your feet, or

Be my new mummy

Then the recipient (victim?) gets a little alert on their phone or computer with a cheesy picture of you doing the double-thumbs-up with a flashing message underneath it that reads:

PISS ON MY HAIR?!?!

That way you avoid all that awkward 'reading the signs' nonsense. I can't do that shit. It drives me crazy. Unless the girl is wearing a neon flashing sign with arrows pointed up her inner thighs that reads 'Get in me!' I really struggle to catch them.

I currently rely on the tried-and-tested British technique of staring, immediately followed by hiding. You look, they look back, you look away. You wouldn't want them to know that you liked them, after all, would you?!

That would be ridiculous. Then you just might end up happy, and we just can't have that. It's not on. We're British.

If we, as a nation, weren't constantly moaning, we'd be walking around like headless chickens. We need to vent, and thus we need stuff to vent about. Our heads would literally explode from the build-up of pressure if we didn't moan.

I mean, look at America, they go around being polite and nice and all 'have a nice day' and don't like to moan. They can't praise enough. Everything is awesome. Everything. But that pressure builds and builds underneath the surface. that pressure of being less intelligent that the person they're talking to, possibly.

And then, it builds up to such a level that they have to go and start a pointless war just to get it out of their systems.