I'm just sick of being a gullible twat with women and not having enough self-confidence or self-respect. But that's only because I'm a twat, so it's understandable.
So yet again I fucked up another "thing" with a girl. I say thing because they're never relationships. I never get that far. It's always a case of "yeah, you're lovely, but I'm just not in a 'relationshippy place right now' and all that shit. And I sort of try to believe it, because in the short-term it's easier than hearing: "It's because you're shit in bed and clingy."
But in the long-term, that shit would be helpful, you know? A bit of brutal honesty which would help you become a better catch for the next person who comes along. But it never happens. Well, maybe it does, but only if you get into a bit of an argument about things, and no girl ever does that with me, because I'm too nice. Fuck being nice, I totally need to learn how to come across as a callous knobhead who only wants them for their abilities as a semen receptacle. Those are the guys they stick with.
And I know it's not just girls...guys are bad at this too, probably worse. Because we fear the tear. Not a tear like you get with paper...well, unless you have a particular gift from nature in your pants, but like tears, out of your face holes.
Guys are absolutely terrified of the tears because we don't know how to deal with them. It's never really been a factor for me - no woman ever wants me enough for me to have to break up with them. Result.
But wouldn't it lead to a better world? Wouldn't you appreciate it, in all honesty, if somebody you had got close to told you exactly how you fucked it all up? I've been single for about 7-8 years and I know I would. I'm clearly a fucking nightmare to put up with and if that could be tempered slightly, it would possibly reduce my chances of ending up owning 14 cats and living in my own filth.
I know it's not really going to happen and I do know a number of the things that I've done to fuck things up by simple deduction and reading between the lines. I come across as too interested too soon, which is only exacerbated by the fact that it's been so long since someone could stand me. I end up clawing for their adulation almost regardless of how fantastic they are. I can know that it logically is going nowhere, but I just end up becoming so desperate to be the one in control, the one who is adored and chased-after, that I accidentally push it too hard too fast, almost demanding confirmation of their feelings before I've fully formed my own.
Meh it'll be ok. Maybe therapy would help, but then again, those of you who have read a few of these will realise that it didn't quite work out so well for me last time. I want proper tv-style therapy. I want a fucking chaise longue dammit!!
I'll work on it, and I'm planning to move - if things go well in my interview on Monday then maybe to Cambridge - and I think that will help me. Getting back into a proper job will resurrect my confidence and self-respect - even if it doesn't fix my self-loathing. Then I can get into a city where 90% of the women aren't orange by their own hand. A city where the idea of a good night out doesn't generally involve glassing someone. A city where an educated man isn't seen as a threat. That would be a novelty.
Ok I'll end this one there. It got some shit off my chest, even if it wasn't that funny, so thank you very much if you managed to make it to this point. I'm genuinely flattered that any of you would read these at all, and all comments are ridiculously appreciated - they keep me going. You know, unless they're from my brother.
I'll have a bitch about being back at that shitty call centre next time - maybe that will be funny. Until then, be good. And if you can't be good, at least steal me a present :)
I've been Dan, by the way.
